My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
They have beer where we have blood.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
