Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
