You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
