I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
