So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
