i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
