Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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