I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
