Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
