Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
