There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
