My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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