I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
