I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
