you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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