I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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