he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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