He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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