I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
