Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
