I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
