New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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