If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
