Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
