when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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