Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
