There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize