I wanna passion pit in your ass
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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