i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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