Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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