I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
