and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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