It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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