i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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