So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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