He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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