Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
