Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
