Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
