I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
