Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
