He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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