So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
