mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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