Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
