I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
The air was thick with penises
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
