Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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