When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize