Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
