What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
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