Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
