i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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