Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
