the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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