dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
