and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
