Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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