Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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