One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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