Umm I'm too high to move.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
