I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
