I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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