just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
